Letter To Gestating Mothers – ‘Relax. Before It Gets Too Real’

Dear gestating-me,

You are just a couple of months shy of popping out. In about sixty days, you will probably have a rushed experience that will involve removing the baby from its warm and cozy nest. Or if you are lucky, you might well be pushing out the newborn, and hysterically telling yourself perhaps semi-hysterically: “I am not doing this! I’d rather die!” However, beyond all of this, the labour is only a matter of (under) 48 hours, while the baby will be there for an lifetime! And we are not even talking about child-rearing days. Not yet.

“But that’s not happening right now. Your bun is still ba(s)king in the oven. So, tell you what… Don’t think too much. Get some sleep, at least snooze for a few uninterrupted hours before your hell breaks loose,” said my mum assertively one day. She was visiting me, clinging to a severely outdated tradition, in the form of a nutritious jarful of nuts layered with empathy which was passed on to me.

This was not the response I had pictured, of her asking me to take a chill pill. Besides, we still had about three weeks of pure ineptness to endure before reaching the hospital.

So, my lovely preggy momma, your pregnancy will be a difficult one. You will worry much about the health of the unborn infant. You will burden yourself endlessly with thoughts about birth defects, listeria, miscarriage, stillbirth, Zika, and a hundred other things that won’t even show up on Google. Those zillion scans you’d insist upon for no reason, that money would have bought you a gorgeous baby stroller and a lavish babymoon experience!

As your morning sickness grows from bad to worse, so shall the needs of that parasite who will wean you off even basic nutrition. And well, just so you know, that’s what every mom-to-be signs up for when she decides to embark on the magical journey of motherhood. You are going to be no different. A pact of a lifetime full of sacrifices shall be duly signed!

Let me tell you a few things because it feels like this is the right time

Preparedness is an act of deed!

I am warning you… about how (and in no time) you will be possessed by a demon of sorts—sleeplessness, fatigue coupled with the infamous ‘I-am-a-perfect-mom’ syndrome will soon take over. And, exorcism won’t be able to cure your overly-possessive drooling or the trembling attacks due to new-mom anxiety. In no time, you will be surrounded by a pool of baby puke, puddles of poop, and uninvited, overly curious relatives. In no time, you will forget about lavender, jasmine and all the other possible floral fragrances, those quiet dinners as Mozart plays in the backdrop, the fancy night-outs, movies (plus overloaded bucket of popcorn). Let’s say a gentle goodbye to it all, shall we?

At this point, you will also look for peace by babyproofing the house, perhaps decorating the nursery too. Visiting families with newborns and toddlers… Coming back home in disgust? Because and certainly, you seem to have a lot of opinions on #ParentingDoneRight? You will have a glowing halo as you spot loopholes in their parenting techniques… But, in no time, your unborn parasite will put you in your place.

WITHIN TWO WEEKS INTO MOTHERHOOD, you shall realize that karma is a b*&h. For all the judgments you made, you shall be punished. The possessed body will now be haunted by the never-ending mom-guilt.

This post has been originally created and published for The Quint.

Yes, Karma is a Real B***h!

So, my dear-knocked-out-me, just go with the flow. Stop judging that SAHM friend who has been leaving her toddler at daycare (for the sake of her sanity). Stop judging that colleague of yours who didn’t believe in breast milk. Because you will find yourself sulking over why daycare doesn’t operate on weekends or how the preschooler still hasn’t been weaned off the breast.

And for that woman, who you thought had no idea of how to take charge of her leaking breasts, well, you just wait and watch. Karma is about to replace your boobies with a dairy farm.

So, stop obsessing over your pregnancy! You are just a couple of months shy of popping out. Relax! Stop judging others. You will do a good job and that teeny-tiny parasite will love you despite all the fret and hullabaloo coming from an anxious new mom!

One more piece of advice though: Try not to wet your pants while you still have some control over your bladder.

Love & Respect,

Me.