A psalm for my son


by Vaishali Sudan Sharma updated on August 14, 2015

psalm-for-my-son

As you grow old, day by day, I grow along with you. At times, I hold you tight, so tight that I get scared of having pressed you so hard. I feel your bones against mine, your skin against mine. I feel a piece of myself in you, the entire you inside me. Holding you against myself often makes me imagine that you might mold and flow back into me.

With you, I have found a meaning to my life. I don’t mean to sound like I was astray before I bore you but it’s just that in the blur, I imagined an insane loneliness. But now that I have you, it seems like I have forgotten myself as I have to make a choice every single day. I put your happiness ahead of mine to do the right thing even when I am not sure what the right thing is. Where I teach you happiness and where I don’t have to worry about being bad or good as I am both and neither. At that very moment, I realise that I don’t need anybody’s acceptance or denial. All I need is to find some space where I can live in harmony with you.

I am aware of the fact that things won’t stay this way. One day, you will break free and embark on your own journey. Perhaps you will find someone special who will take better care of you. Indeed, my moment of jealousy might give birth to resentment but my dear son, I shall handle that too. I will miss you just the way I do now when I see you asleep or when you are away for more than 10 minutes. Harshal, I am not obsessed with you but I love you and as you will grow old, I will begin to respect you. But in those moments, when you do decide to have life your way, I will miss you and I will live in the glory of our past. I shall recall the balmy May afternoon, when you were handed over to me.. your first smile, our conversations in your own sweet language, that second when you held my finger and walked with me, when you planted a kiss on my cheek, the day you went to school, those teary eyes looking for me while I am gone to work, the way you held me so tight when you were about to leave for the university.. so on and so forth. We haven’t seen those times yet but when we do, I will breathe them. Register them in my mind. Lock those memories in the most unknown part of my brain. Keep the keys away from my reach. And one day I shall unlock them when you break free, as I see you losing grip of my tight hand just as the sand slips through the fingers.

As you will grow old, I will grow old too. There will be times when I will imagine holding you tight, so tight that I would get scared of having pressed you so hard. I will also imagine feeling your bones against mine, but they would have grown way too strong against my fragile ones, your skin would have become way too firm against my wrinkled ones.. I will try to find a piece of myself in you, the entire you inside me maybe. Just that then you might not mold and flow back into me. I shall handle that too my son cause you gave me a meaning to live for and I to die for.

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6 thoughts on “A psalm for my son

  1. All the feelings expressed in this post exactly resonate with mine. Many a times I look at Dhruv’s face while he is sleeping or chatting silly, I cannot help myself from reminiscing that once he was inside me. I was telling him about this one day ( silly me telling this to 4 yr old) and he said “tum kya kangaroo hote the aur mujhe apne pouch main lekar ghoomte the”?

    Liked by 1 person

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